Boston, MA - A somber mood hangs in the air, palpable within the city. The late-summer sky shines, bright and cloudless, as a celebration of what it was, what it meant to all of us. I am referring, of course, to the loss of Rebecca’s Cafe at Churchill Hall. Since that fated day it closed for good, the Northeastern community has been working hard to accept the reality that their beloved cafe is no more.
No more Nicoles. No more California Turkey Clubs. No more Buffalo Chicken Wraps. No more BBQ Chicken and Bacons. It fills me with rage and indescribable sadness when I see the flags across Boston remain at full mast. Show some damned respect.
However, Northeastern Students have nothing to fear, as Rebecca’s will have the lasting legacy it deserves. After hosting a funeral for the moldy Niall they found in the back of the fridge, the Frisky Husky Husky Husky® team has been hard at work developing their latest product line and is excited to announce the Frisky Husky Husky Husky Roarin’ Rebecca’s-Infused-Penetration Remembrance Tasty Sex Package©.
With these new cock socks, relive the taste of sandwiches you haven’t had since March. Enjoy a Rebecca’s BLT while you slobber on a woody-hoody. Indulge in the flavor of chicken tendies from a splooge-poncho. The JFK wrapper dapper guarantees that you won’t splash your partner like he did.
After hearing this venture pitch, IDEA announced it was the best pitch they’ve ever heard. With their help, FHHHRRIPRTSP features the slogan, “Sex, with the loving embrace of a Rebecca’s sandwich. It’ll make you forget the name of the girl you’re piping. The only girl that mattered was Rebecca.” Aoun has invested $69 million dollars to triple production.
Initial reviews from product testers were extremely positive.
“I get to relive my most treasured memories, my boyfriend gets a knob slob. It’s a win-win.”
“Sometimes I just take a Niall flavored condom and wrap it around a subway footlong. What happens next is between me and Jesus.”
“I wish I had fewer ribs.”
The FHHHRRIPRTSP is scheduled to launch next week, just in time for the freshmen who abandon social distancing for bumping booties to educate themselves on what they missed out on.