Sending the screaming crowd scurrying to the nearest exit points, a madman with C4 explosives and subways sandwiches strapped to his chest caused extreme chaos at Fall Fest Monday, demanding the reopening of Chicken Lou’s in exchange for him not “blowing the square to smithereens.”
“ I have a very simple set of demands, so there’s really nothing to fear,” shouted the bald and visibly perturbed assailant into his megaphone as students fled from him. “I want nothing more than to see Chicken Lou’s reopened, and I think you’ll find my actions have a great deal of support among the student body. I’m not a terrorist, I’m a liberator.”
But evidently, that support was not shared by the students attending the fall fest between Curry and the Richards Hall Dunkin donuts, whose sudden scramble led to a stampede and an impregnable bottleneck. With nowhere to go, the students were forced to hear the ominous directives of the bomb-strapped lunatic.
“ I can see NUPD and BPD snipers already lining up on the top of Snell to try to take a shot at me, but I strongly advise against that. This C4 is connected to a dead man's switch, so if I die, these shitty subway wraps are gonna be splattered everywhere. Just everybody calm down, and reason with me here.”
Despite hours of negotiations conducted by the Northeastern Debate Society, the administration was unwilling to make significant concessions, with Aoun and Madeleine Estabrook publicly vowing not to negotiate with “chicken lou hardliners”, who they described as “”worse than terrorists.” When their final offer of a second Chick-Fil-A truck was turned down, they turned to their special forces division to save the day.
Our Husky Husky correspondent was able to get the full story from a spokesperson of Dogs of War, Northeastern's undercover operations unit. “We were able to use new cutting edge technology from Fundies 1 code to remotely disable the C4 on the suit, so when the button was pressed, nothing happened other than the subway sandwiches falling to the floor.”
At presstime, the would-be bomber has been sentenced to a year of eating only at Steasts, the worst punishment of all.