San Antonio, TX (The Husky Husky) - Conspiracy theorists rejoice, it was an inside job all along. People labeled you lunatics, ignored your claims that hot plates could melt undamaged sleeves, and dismissed overwhelming evidence as coincidence. But no longer. Now it’s clear for the world to see that
9/11 was an inside job orchestrated by Dick Cheney to erm, sorry, wrong article. I meant Duhaime did it. No, not 9/11 (that was Dick Cheney), the Holmes Hall bomb threat.
For all the weirdos who have a life outside of doomscrolling their news feed, Immersive Media Lab director and alleged Explosion 1 mastermind Jason Duhaime has been arrested on charges of faking the whole thing. Explosion 1, of course, being the original, not the hit sequel Explosion 2, the disappointing cash grab Explosion 3, or the mediocre remake starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Explosion 4.
Before we begin, Duhaime is presumed innocent until proven guilty. It’s entirely possible that an angry ideologue used Duhaime’s computer to write a manifesto, and constructed an explosive that damaged nothing and seriously injured no one. We truly cannot rule out anything at this stage.
But, dear reader, we didn’t take an 18 hour, crackhead-filled Greyhound all the way down to Texas to recap what you read on CNN. Instead we will focus on Duhaime’s impact and legacy. Was he merely a common crook, or was he, in the words of another inspiring civic figure, “not a crook?” Could it instead be that Duhaime’s words and actions give us bitter, yet indullably prescient insight? Is he actually a hero?
Maybe he really knew something we didn’t and expressed his warning to society in the only way he could. After all, that manifesto wasn’t exactly NYT op-ed quality. For all we know, Mark Zuckerberg may be colluding with the US government “Ghost lab!!!” to “destroy US AS A SOCITY.” If so Duhaime, as the sole bastion of American liberty against the dark forces of some virgins with headsets, had a moral duty to warn us. If you look closely enough, you can see the “robots… walking around the campus at NEU.” Or maybe those are just freshmen after failing their first midterm.
Duhaime will undoubtebly be a controversial figure for years to come, but once we’re all slaves in the Matrix, we’ll wish we heeded his typo-laden admonition while we had the chance. History may well remember Duhaime as a tragic hero. Or maybe the crack from the Greyhound bus is getting to my head.
The Husky Husky reached out to Meta Inc., the Ghost Lab,
and Dick Cheney for comment. We have not received a response, however we confirmed that the “secret flying project to scan buildings around the world” is in fact real, and can be accessed at earth.google.com.