Boston, MA – Northeastern has recently informed its students of its new dining protocols involving eating outside in tents, inspired by their research conducted on the residents of Ruggles.
While this is clearly an excellent way to add to the Northeastern dining experience of bad food by coupling it with a bad setting, some students have wondered what Northeastern plans to do with all these large tents and paved-over ruins that used to bring joy to our otherwise cripplingly dreary campus.
We took these questions to the administration and found out about a new plan currently slated for implementation in the spring semester: The School of Jesterial Arts. This is claimed to be totally unrelated to an immense donation by Alex Jones, who some have described as “The King of Clowns.”
When we asked Northeastern student Richard Fleck what he thought of these plans, his response was: “Well, I guess they are trying to attract kids from BU since we paved over their campus. Now they can attend a literal clown college instead of a figurative one!”
However, Northeastern claims that it was simply because they sunk millions into tents to the point that they’d rather create an entirely new college than cut their losses. In this brand-new college, students will be able to major in various fields such as sword-swallowing (unrelated to the NU Tinder scene), cannonball-catching, and the sexiest major of all: ventriloquism.
When asked for comment, admissions officer Claire Henning said “It would be difficult finding people to study these extremely noble professions.”
To ensure the financial success of this venture, Northeastern has come up with an innovative way to deal with this. They plan to force students of various existing majors to transfer under threat of being forced to live and eat exclusively in Stwest.
To the complete surprise of the administration, these transfer students have serious gripes with the sudden change.
Engineering major Akhil Gupta in particular has had a very traumatic reaction. We found him curled up in his bed crying, complaining that he’s “been having anxiety attacks since realizing he’ll never be able to pay off his student debt now.” When we mentioned that he’ll have to learn how to perform in front of other people, he simply broke down sobbing.
On the other hand, students in majors such as Philosophy, Theater, Art, History, and Art History are rejoicing, as their expected market value has risen as a result. It is true though that this will require more effort than they’ve ever expended before, as they will need to keep in shape, shed their trendy clothes, and prepare for a job other than as a Starbucks barista. We at the Husky Husky wish them luck on this endeavor come Spring.
All Husky Husky writers have voluntarily transferred to this new program as we are just clowning around writing and might as well have a major to match.
