Boston, MA – The stock market is all the rage these days as students try to beat the only thing growing faster than their depression — debt. We interviewed a group of Northeastern frat boys, the Pon Z Traders, who are trying to strike gold with their innovative new trading strategies.
These frat bois, led by Mernie Badoff, have an extensive background in picking up chicks, chugging beers, and getting laid. According to them, this makes them perfect to “totally fuck up those wall street dorks.” They have taken their weekly alcohol stipends of $500 for the past 3 months and put them towards some totally righteous stocks in order to pay for their future rager.
However, their luck hasn’t been going too well. When asked how their past trades went, Badoff said: “We had invested in VAPE and DKS, but they both pussied out as soon as we gave them our hard-earned booze budget. Now we don’t even have enough money to throw our own parties anymore, and sex isn’t the same now that I can’t afford my ED medication.”
Two days after this interview was conducted, Badoff reached out to us. Apparently, they stole the remaining year’s beer budget to go all in on their latest gamble: the SEX stock ticker. Apparently PornHub has decided to make an IPO and all the horny teens from all across the world have invested heavily. Badoff has estimated a 42069% return on investment, and plans on blowing all the money on literal blow at their next rager.
