Boston-MA
From aliens to unexplained assassinations, The Freedom of Information Act has been making headways across America. A loophole in FoIA exploited NUPD’s nationally accredited status to release a mountain of previously top secret police reports going back 8 decades. The tireless journalists at the Husky Husky have sifted through the nearly four hundred and twenty documents.
#1 Frank’s Frozen Falace
A report from 1955 details the construction of a cryogenic chamber built somewhere under North campus. As the land was undeveloped at the time, our investigators believe the current location is underneath a bathroom in Ryder Hall. The cryogenic chamber was built to preserve the body of none other than Frank Palmer Speare. A secret society of the most trusted pre-med students exists to continually guard and protect the former President, all while boosting their appeal to medical schools. The three most elitist students each wear locking rings that, when combined, will resurrect Frank Palmer Speare for when the school falls more than 10 points in rankings. Students can apply to join the Speare Hermetical Insurance Team at the Office of Student Employment — the position is a standard work-study job that pays $13.50 an hour with no benefits.
#2 International Kids are the Backbone of this School
A report from 2014 describes the discovery of a tunnel constructed from the basement of IV to downtown Boston. The tunnel, which had been commissioned by international students, was set to end at the dancefloor of Bijou Nightclub. The sophomore mastermind behind the project, and the heir of a prominent Scottish-Iraqi oil dynasty, Shitvaan McChest, was brought in for questioning. The student was quoted in the report saying “me Baba is a lawyer, yer fucked ye bastards!” The charges were dropped, and 100 barrels of crude oil were anonymously donated to fuel the school’s green power generators. The tunnel remains unfinished and currently ends at Earl’s Prudential. It is now frequently used by sorority girls.
#3 Most People at Northeastern are Literally Rats
A terrifying accident at the College of Science in 1996 resulted in an ordinary lab rat gaining sentience and growing to the size of a student athlete on the ski team. The rat terrorized Richards Hall for 6 hours before NUPD and the Office of the President were able to negotiate a deal. The sentient lab rat was hired by the school and currently works as an academic advisor in Hayden Hall in exchange for food scraps from Stwest. The accident occured when chemical biology students were attempting to create a serum to cure impostor syndrome in STEM majors. The serum was successful in improving the ego of its subject, but researchers determined that rats and STEM majors were too similar for it to be a safe solution. Northeastern confiscated the recipe from the students and sold it to Raytheon for military applications.
No one works harder than Northeastern’s boys in blue. So the next time they confiscate your booze coming out of Quick Pick, hand it over with a smile. They deal with some pretty fucked up shit, they deserve a drink.
