Boston, MA – After this week’s tragic mass shooting in Boulder, the Boston chapter of the National Rifle Association has decided to host an emotional ceremony to honor the horrific events and those lost.
“What happened at Boulder is a terrible tragedy” said Blu Don Maihands, president of NRA’s Boston chapter. “The shooter was, unfortunately, not a skilled marksman. We lost a lot of stray bullets in Boulder this week. Wasting ammunition like that… It’s just a senseless act. The only way to truly honor those bullets we lost this week is to hold a 21-gun salute in the Common.”
Our research indicates that the NRA has not filed for a permit for such a ceremony in the Common.
“Am I worried about shooting guns in the Common without a permit? We’ll be wearing our ‘Stop the Steal’ shirts and confederate flag belt buckles, so we should be fine” explained event organizer Myhhr D’Rer.
When we asked NRA member Cy Kopath about the loss of life in Boulder, he was offended that we would bring up such a topic. “Look, it’s just not the time to bring up something so political like that. We’re grieving the loss of our loved ones right now. Those bullets could have grown up and done great things, like assassinate Democrats or murder minorities for having the audacity to exist. Instead, they’re just lodged in a supermarket floor in Boulder. It’s a senseless tragedy.”
Blu Don Maihands was more direct: “My right to worship guns must be purchased with the blood of random bystanders every week. I’m pretty sure Thomas Jefferson said that. Or maybe the Constitution. Still haven’t gotten around to reading that.”
Not all NRA members are on board with the 21-gun salute, however.
“I just think it’s kind of insensitive,” said Ray Cyst. “I don’t think it’s right to honor an event like this. It’s tone-deaf. A Muslim was able to get his hands on a gun in the United States, and I think we need to come up with an official stance on that as an organization before we hold any ceremonies.”
The Husky Husky will continue to report on the story. But we’re pretty much just going to copy–paste this article next week and just change “Boulder” to whichever city is the next victim.