Boston, MA – Things are heating up here at Northeastern University as the school’s first-ever staff showdown approaches. In light of the Corona epidemic, population density on campus is being lowered, and as Aoun decreed last night: “We are only allowing staff members with unique first names back onto campus. This is part of our multi-step plan to decrease population density while increasing profits.” After questioning Aoun further at his mansion built out of the bones of Northeastern drop-outs, we discovered that this will affect our institution in a way that is totally unnecessary but immensely profitable, to no one’s surprise.
In the Khoury College of Computer Science professional nerds Professor Benjamin Lerner and Associate Dean Benjamin Hescott prep for a showdown to the death. Due to the intense respect almost all CS majors have for Ben^2, the administration has decided to rent out Matthews Arena for the event. The “Battle of the Bens” is scheduled for September 7th, the last day before despair/classes.
These professors who usually just flex their mental muscles must now manipulate their masculine mentality to make their meek match mumble “mercy.” However, they discovered that years of using computers have made their arms very feeble.
When asked for a comment, Ben Lerner had this to say: “I’m going to design a recipe of pain to bring down upon him.” He also has the advantage of super-strong legs from pacing around in lectures to put students on edge.
On the other hand, Ben Hescott has some powerful connections through his position as Associate Dean of the Khoury College that might manipulate the fight in his favor. When we showed up with questions to discuss our paths through Khoury, he said: “While I’m disappointed you aren’t here to discuss how I can help you as a student, know that I am working hard, just like you should, to put myself in a position where I have the intellect and ability to whoop some ass.”
While we don’t know who will win, we know that either way the Khoury student body will mourn the passing of one of their favorite staff members - although they’ll be too busy complaining about their assignments to attend the fight.
Separately, religious groups on campus are hoping that these name regulations don’t get put in place for students as well. As Northeastern Chabad and Hillel representatives said when we sat down with them: “Oy gavult, we are in serious danger here. Half our members are either named Sarah, Ben, Jacob, or Rebecca. We’ll just have to have free weekly dinners with even less people now… Hey, are you free on Friday? Come on, be a mensch!” We quickly departed before we could be dragged into attending an admittedly decent free meal (We were charged for the meal on Benmo anyway).
When asked how it would affect his group, a Catholic student named John Smith said: “Well, it’s less that it would harm us, and more that it would destroy us, as literally all of us have biblical names. We just wouldn’t exist at all!” On the other hand, the Islamic group’s representatives had this to say: “No one can pronounce our names anyway, so we are confident that they can’t prove we have the same names”. [Editor’s Note: If you are reading this, we apologize for being unable to spell your names]
Disclaimer: The Husky Husky in no way condones violence against Computer Science Majors, Khoury Students/Professors, or any other individuals that, due to a lack of athletic prowess, are unable to fend for themselves. They are simply too busy using their brain to use any other muscles. If you would like to donate to an organization centered around helping Computer Science majors, please call 1-800-INCELS.
