Aoun Forced to let Quarantining Students Live in his Mansion

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Pictured: Student quarantining in Aoun’s 22nd guest room

Boston, MA – Harken back to the days of yore, when the mention of social distancing didn’t make you cringe with fear. Back to when President Aoun had his own fully-furnished, personal Boston mansion to himself. Unfortunately for our lord and savior, that is no longer the case. 

Mere hours ago, we were informed that due a Northeastern frat hosting a thousand-person rager in Matthew’s stadium yesterday, the COVID-19 quarantine rooms have exceeded maximum occupancy. 

Northeastern’s site said that while normally they would just kick these students out, they weren’t actually putting anyone at risk due to them all already being infected.

When asked for comment, Aoun explained: “We attempted to shuffle them around our Boston holdings, but the influx of soon-to-be college dropouts needing to quarantine has proven too strong even for the Midtown Hotel. Now I am left with no choice but to let these fucking peasants into my private mansion in order to keep the school running. The injustice of it all drives me insane, I mean, just because my mansion is funded with their tuition money doesn’t mean they’re worthy of living here!”

Northeastern Student Deanna Kelly has since moved into the 34th guest room, and had this to say about her experience:

“Well, I think it’s much better here than Lightview. Instead of a sweltering room with splintering floorboards and peeling paint, I’m now in a luxurious room with a golden chandelier and my own private chef, maid, and butler! I just had to quarantine because my roommate went to a ‘rona party and now we are all locked down, but I’d rather get corona myself than leave here. They can’t make me leave, right? I can’t go back… they can’t make me! Right? RIGHT!?!”

We had to excuse ourselves from the room, as Aoun’s private security force sedated her and returned her to her California king bed. However, we did catch a glimpse of Aoun himself staring at us from half a mile down the hallway. We think he’s up to something here but we can’t make out exactly what without a telescope...

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