Want to support Daddy Aoun’s presidential run? Buy his official campaign merch here
Boston, MA – Shortly after seeing the absolute disappointment of Americans everywhere following the first presidential debate, our supreme leader Aoun knew something had to be done.
When polling the Northeastern student body, he discovered that everyone was going to be voting based on who they hated the least. That’s when Aoun knew that he had something neither candidate has… a chance at being genuinely trusted as a candidate!
Aoun immediately launched his campaign with the slogan: “Unprecedented Greed at an Unparalleled Speed.” This communicates to his voter base of in-debt students that he is the grand puppeteer of their lives. However, this is clearly a good thing as at least we know what motivates him compared to candidates that we truly know nothing about.
You see, Northeastern is only able to charge a measly 72K a year because the government keeps trying to recoup student debt. How dare these students not be able to easily funnel money into Aoun’s hands without fear of future retribution!?!
Aoun clearly is running for office for one reason, and one reason only: to make student debt forgivable to students who drop out. “Why?” you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you why. Imagine you’ve paid $300K to Aoun and are told that if you drop out and do it again all that debt gets wiped. Of course, you’d just drop out and try over and over again. This way Aoun maximizes the number of students running on the Northeastern hamster wheel powering his money printer.
Some students have spoken out against this. Here is the statement of James Zheng, a graduate student about to receive his diploma:
“Clearly, this isn’t a fair method of debt forgiveness. My Masters in Latin cost me a total of $500K and my Starbucks job clearly isn’t going to cover it. I need this more than these incompetent drop-outs. And, almost as bad, Aoun is using the NUPD to manipulate all of our ballots. They’re even quarantining anyone who speaks out against them! Wait, did you hear that? OH FUCK… they’re here! EVERYBODY RUN FOR IT!”
As it turns out, the NUPD officers are actually extremely out of shape and were unable to chase after anyone, so everyone was safe to continue amassing debt.
#Aoun2020
