Boston, MA- Timmy Stub never thought the day would come. After years of insecurity and hardship, he would finally reach the promised land and soar to new heights. 72 inches to be exact.
Timmy had reached 6ft, all thanks to a new pair of rockin kicks.
Before he bought these shoes, Mr. Stub weighed in at a lowly 5 feet and 10.75 inches tall, however, we all know that means 5’4 and slouching. His evolution from manlet to King is an inspiration to simps everywhere.
The shoes themselves are a masterpiece of modern times. The drippiest of shoe game, if you will. On the surface, they appear to be normal cherry red vans. Closer inspection, however, reveals a sole that defies expectations. The insole provides a comfortable lift while the treads negate that comfort entirely. The extra material also provides a perfect opportunity for a functional, yet sexy, integrated wheel.
At the height of his new height, Timmy was kind enough to grace the Husky Husky with an interview.
Transcript to follow.
Kneel Bones: I’m so glad you had the time to speak with us, Timmy. Is there anyone you’d like to thank for making it this far?
Timmy Stub: I’d like to thank everyone except my parents, they did me dirty. Why my mom settled for a 5’5’’ himbo is above-I mean, beyond me.
KB: So, tell us what brought you to this point?
TS: It all started when I was rejected by Ana [redacted] in 5th grade. She was taller than most of the guys in our class, but, being the naive fool that I was, I thought there was a chance. One day, I worked up the courage to ask if I could sit with her at lunch. I didn’t even finish my sentence. She put her hand up and said: ‘You need a few more inches before you can even look at me.”
KB: That’s devastating. I’m sorry, she ended you, dude. Where did you go from there?
TS: Well, up! My luck didn’t change much through high school. I grew a little, but I had to fudge the height on my dating profiles to even consider getting any response. Of course, everything fell apart when the girl turned out to be eye level with me. But, it’s all going to be different now.
KB: What’s changed?
TS: A sick pair of slips! Half An inch here, half an inch there and now I’m golden. No one will even notice. Now I know all the ladies will be knockin’ on my door. The height brings them in, and then my personality does the rest! I can finally become the Chad I was always meant to be.
KB: That’s good to hear! Dreams do come true. I have to ask, though: what will happen when you take them off?
TS: What do you mean? I can never take them off.
KB: Sure, you will. Unless someone lets you hit it with shoes on.
TS: I can never take them off.
KB: Er, how about when you bathe? When you sleep?
TS: I can’t go back. I can’t. You can’t make me.
KB: Now hold on. No need to-
The interview was short due to a spark of dwarven rage. Testy little shits, aren’t they?
At time of publication, Mr. Stub had returned to the newfound comfort of his modified footwear. While the ladies have not started pouring in yet, he remains hopeful. After all, his personality is impeccable.
